40, I made it!
July marks 40 years on this earth, it’s a milestone that most people fear, dread and think is the beginning of the downward spiral to eventually exiting the earth.
For me I have felt the same, until recently when I realised that I was never sure I would make it to 40 in the first place, it was never a guarantee. In fact I was pretty sure at times that it would not be a birthday I would experience.
Life has been shit at times, really shit, battles battled, some won, some lost, but I guess that’s the point, you’re more defined by how you come out the other side.
So for me, rather than dread, it’s a celebration of life, a life still going, one that has made it this far despite all the voices that shout LET GO, GIVE IN, NO ONE WANTS YOU. I’ve managed to silence them so far, not easily at all, but I have battled to stay here, to stay alive and experience what’s to come. Not just for me, but for my husband, kids, family and the lovely people I know. It’s exciting, really exciting!
However, the choice for me to live is not easy, it’s hard, it’s truly a daily fight and exhausting; sometimes I get a few weeks ‘holiday’ from those thoughts, then they come knocking again. So far I’ve managed to not answer them, slam the door in their face, tell them to FUCK OFF.
Hopefully the next 40 years I can do the same, that’s the plan, invite love and happiness in, and keep the demons out!